It has been 6 months...

Several times I have mentioned dealing with a devastating situation right at the beginning of my pregnancy. I've wanted to blog about it several times, but I just can never get the words out.  Even now, I don't feel particularly ready, but it has been six months and it is about time...

Friday, October 14, 2011 started off a regular school day, but everything changed at about 11:30 when three iPhones went off with the same message from our coordinator; "On your way back from lunch please come to the conference room."

The three of us looked at each other and knew something was wrong.  My heart started racing because I had remembered earlier in the day the principal announcing for all the counselors and social workers to report to his office.  I knew something was up-and it was not good.  We discussed our two students who were absent on that day.  One, we knew, would be out for some routine testing at Children's Hospital, the other was out all the time for various reasons, but we knew something must really be going on this time.

The three of us arrived in the conference room and waited. Finally, one of the high school counselors showed up.  She said more people were on their way and we should wait for them.  I spoke for the group and said, "Please, just tell us what is going on."  I pleaded with my eyes and I knew she couldn't bear to keep it from us any longer.

She told us there had been an accident at the home of one of our students the previous night.  They weren't sure what happened, but he wound up unconscious.   At one point his heart had stopped, but the paramedics where able to revive him.  They were not sure what was going to happen, but at the current moment he was clinging to life via machines at Children's Hospital.

I completely lost it.  Never had I felt so out of control.  I began shaking and crying right there in front of my coworkers.  I remember hearing choking sobs coming from someone.  I was shocked several seconds later when I finally realized those sobs were my own.

How could this be?  It was not real.  Things like this do not happen to me or my students.  Other people deal with this stuff.  I see it on the news, but it is never supposed to happen to me!

I wanted to get out of there.  Get into bed and not wake up until this nightmare was over.  It just had to be a nightmare.  Things like this are just NOT supposed to happen.  

After others joined, there was talk of informing the other children.  I couldn't do it.  I couldn't get myself together.  How could I be a support person for the nine and ten year olds who were depending on me?  Initially, I had intended on just leaving before the students came back from their special.  I couldn't bear to see their faces, feel their broken hearts.

But somehow, I pulled myself together and managed to be a support person for my students.  We could still be hopeful.  He was not dead and he was in the best children's hospital in the world.  Things would get better.  They had to.

The two most difficult weeks passed by.  Each day I felt like I was putting on a show for my students.  Teaching and keeping the schedule as normal as possible for the children was incredibly draining.   I felt like I was living a lie.  Inside I was torn to pieces, but on the outside I put on a smile and promised the kids everything would be okay in the end.

Day after day I sobbed in my car on my way to work.  Pulled myself together for the kids.  And sobbed on my way home from work.  I got into bed and spent most of my evenings either crying or sleeping.  Kiel didn't know what to do, but everything he did do was perfectly right.  He held me when I needed to be held.  Let me be when I needed my space.  Cooked, cleaned, shopped and made sure everything was taken care of.  I couldn't have gotten through that time without him.

On the morning of October 29th I received the call that had been dreading.  They took him off life support the night before and his body just couldn't handle all the stress it had been under.  My precious little student was taken from this earth on the evening of October 28, 2011.  I expected to lose control all over again.  To scream and cry, as I was, after all, alone in the comfort of my own home.

But instead I felt relief.  I didn't have to worry about my boy being in pain anymore.  A part of me felt guilty that I felt better, knowing that he was now free instead of fighting for his life any longer.

Again, I had to worry about how we were going to break this devastating news to the children.  It was not easy.  There were lots of tears and difficult moments.  One of the most special moments I will remember forever is holding one of my little girls in my arms and rocking her in a chair as we both cried.  She needed to be comforted, but I need it even more than she did.  Those several minutes of quiet time we shared helped me get through all the difficult days ahead.

Six months have passed.  It is hard to believe he has been gone for so long.  Each day I think of him several times.  I still hear his voice.  See that mischievous, toothy smile.  Feel his arms wrapped around my waist in a hug.

I will never forget him.

He will always be an angel looking over me and my little boy.