I have been a horrible pregnant lady. Before I got pregnant I vowed that I would go to the gym at least 3 days a week. Since the little purple line, I think I ran once and went to the gym once. Ooops. Once I got pregnant I also vowed to read all the books people had given me. Oooops. I have been reading What to Expect When you are Expecting, and a began A Bun in the Oven. I also tried rereading Breaking Dawn and made it about 10 pages. I am just sooooo exhausted! It feels so much better to just veg on the couch after work and on the weekends and just watch TV or play games on my phone. Pathetic, I know!
Well, after having a minor issue last weekend I texted my nurse friend to see if everything was okay. Of course it was, and come to find out what I was experiencing was perfectly normal. She recommend I pick up Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy. Well, wouldn't ya know, someone had already let me borrow that one and it has just been sitting on a bookshelf in the baby's room. Instead of reading The Mouse and the Motorcycle for school I grabbed Jenny's book and read it cover to cover in about 2 hours.
I love the way she writes. I feel like we are sitting down for lunch and she is just retelling the ups and downs of pregnancy. I loved reading about things we both experienced and I love being prepared for what may come. Here are some of the naked truths I learned from this pregnancy guru!
Niagara in My Pants-Do not get alarmed if and when the discharge begins. She went through 3, yes, 3 pairs of panties in a day. Really??? Not looking forward to anything like this!
Holy $h!t I think I Hard-Boiled My Baby-This was in reference to someone telling her hot tubs are an absolute No No. This chapter was about all the unwanted, unwarranted advice us preggo chicks get on a daily basis. Yes, I realize soda and chocolate are bad, I shouldn't dye my hair, hot baths are off limits, blah blah blah! When it comes down to it, if my doc says I can do it, I'm gunna do it!
Granny Panties-I don't want granny panties!!! She went from G-strings to huge cotton granny panties. I hope that if and when my rear does decide to expand, I will still be able to find cute undies at Vickie's that will cover and keep everything in place. Undies that don't belong in a nursing home!
Passing Stonehenge-She was severely constipated. So much so that she didn't go for 13 days! What the what?!?! She went to a specialist, and I'm just going to leave it at that. Let me say it was a laugh out loud chapter and I vow that I will never see a poop specialist. Never ever!
Is That an Apple on Your Rectum, Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?- Hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids. These bad boys pop up on every pregnancy email or website I check. Really? Are Hemorrhoids that big of a pregnancy issue?? Folks say the first and last trimesters are the ones when these little fellas crop up most frequently. I avoided one trimester, let's hope I avoid the last one too! Eeeesh!
Hands, Off Dude-Strangers have not asked to touch the belly yet. Actually strangers still haven't had the balls to ask if I'm pregnant yet. I don't think I am quite out of the might be a college beer belly stage and into the definitely baby bump stage yet. Although, since I work in a school, kids sometimes don't understand boundaries so I have little germy hands on my belly about 7 hours a day! What do I do if some random person comes and rubs my belly when shopping???
www.ihavetostopbuyingbabyshit.com- Yes, me too Jenny, me too. It is just too easy to charge all these cute necessities to my credit cards. I wonder if the UPS man has put two and two together yet. He went from making maybe one delivery a month to about 2 deliveries a week. Oooops!
Is it Hot in Here or Is it Just Me?. . . It's Just Me-I had my first hot flash about 3 weeks ago. I never ever had one before and I will never snort or giggle at someone going through menopause again. Holy mother of god, it was like I was radiating heat from my core. Where did it come from? It was so overwhelming, I couldn't even focus on teaching. Nothing cooled me down. Apparently hot flashes have to run their course. I hope I never have to experience one of those again!
The Crying Game- In general I am an emotional person, but during the first trimester I noticed I was a little less of a sap. Not the case anymore, I cry at the most random stuff and Jenny did too. What is up with the crying during a comedy or a random air freshener commercial? Do hormones really have that much of a control over our bodies?
No, Not Yet! I'm Not Ready for this Yet!- Jenny experienced premature labor at 25 weeks. Initially she ignored the signs her body was giving her, but eventually got to the hospital and got everything under control. This chapter scared the crap out of me. It never occurred to me that I could go into labor before July 2nd. And it really never occurred to me that I could happen a two weeks from now! Craziness! I have been, and will continue to listen to all my body has to "say" to me!
Poopin' on the Table- Ugh! Another thing to worry about during the delivery. Does this really happen often. According to Jenny it does! Yuck, as if having my lady parts blown up aren't bad enough, I have to worry about this now too???
The Blue Twinkies-Another interesting chapter. Yes, down there could and probably will resemble blue twinkies. That is, if I make the effort to pull out a mirror and check that area out. Really, Jenny? You had to tell me this because. . . ?
Die, Model Bitch, Die- I HATE looking so swollen. I really hate looking at little skinny bitches even more. On the bright side, I haven't caught Kiel watching playboy bunny TV shows like Jenny had to fight with her husband to stop watching.
Organizing Freak-Jenny reassured me that even though my nesting instinct hasn't kicked in yet, don't worry. I could be just like her and not have that instinct until 36 weeks. That sounds about right, Jenny.
I Need to Lie Down for, like, 5 Minutes. . . Okay, Maybe 3 Months- YES YES YES! I really feel like I'm the only preggo chick who never overcame the dreaded fatigue. Jenny even claims she overcame it, but also said she had an unusual schedule and could take a daily afternoon nap. Umm yeah, maybe the fact that most of my work days are 13-15 hours and not 4 like Jenny's mean that I will want to nap for 9 months instead of 3.
The Moment of Truth- The final chapter was so real and so wonderful. I loved how she worded what happened during her labor and delivery. After laughing chapter after chapter, it was nice to bawl my eyes out as she recounted the good, the bad, and the really scary happenings of the birth of her baby boy.
Thank you Jenny for sharing ALL in this memoir. It was quite entertaining, reassuring, and a little scary at parts! I highly recommend every preggo chick, take 2 hours of their life and read this amusing book.
i LOVE this post!! jenny is such an awesome mom and i am so glad that she documented her experience! i want to read this book. do you own it? if so, can i borrow it?! :) *lcd
ReplyDeleteKiel's cousin let me borrow it, I'm sure you can borrow it too. Seriously, it is such a quick, fun read! Although, it may scare you a bit!!
DeleteHaha. I'm glad you wrote this post, Amanda. I read it too, and honestly parts of it terrified me, although I think she was a little dramatic for comic relief. Some of the things she mentioned never happened to me, and as far on poopin' on the table- I heard it's actually a small percentage of women who actually do it. LOL. I definitely recommend Baby Laughs. It was also pretty raw and funny. Laur, I own Belly Laughs if you can't get it.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. At 39 weeks and mid-cold I was in desperate need of some comic relief and this definitely delivered (pun partially intended - I typed it before I realized)! While I won't comment here, I can tell you which held true for me, if you don't feel it's TMI.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the "chocolate is bad for you" part... PLEASE! If ever there was a time to eat chocolate, it's pregnancy.